Frum Road Trip!!

Iowa: Surprisingly Refreshing

2005-08-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

We were expecting more of the same from Iowa, but luckily for Iowa, it has a lot more going for it than just some old cowboy's ranch and a day no one celebrates. Sociologists might not realize this, but the real center of Orthodox Judaism in America is not in Boro Park, Crown Heights, Washington Heights, Teaneck, Lakewood, Riverdale or even our own Pico-Robertson.

It is...drum roll please...

Postville, Iowa!!!!

Postville is not only the childhood home of Dr. John R. Mott. It is also where the Agriprocessors Plant is located. This is the biggest Kosher Slaughtering house in the universe. Yes, it beats the one on Neptune. This place is what makes American Jewry work. Without it we would all be...PLEASE NO...vegetarians!!!!! It is better known as Rubashkin's.

As many of you may know, this establishment was involved in something of a controversy earlier this year. We figured that this would make the plant somewhat suspicious of letting random visitors in to tour, but decided that it was worth a shot anyway. Our plan was simple. Go to the Kosher Deli restaurant in town, and chat it up with the funny Lubav guy who owns the joint (we didn't know for sure that there was a funny Lubavitch guy, but presumed there had to be). After convincing this guy that we were legit and not Peta spies, we figured he would use his connections to get us a tour.

We roll into Postville with nothing but meat on our minds. We make our way over to the Kosher Deli that was oppened to feed the ninety Jewish families that live there. When we got there the Deli wasn't open yet so we went to the Postville visitors center and bought some souveniers for ourselves as well as presents for some lucky people out there. When we were done shopping the Deli was open so we sat down and ordered steaks from the funny Lubavitch guy, and begin to execute our plan. In between messing around with this guy's crazy young sons, and scarfing down some remarkably fresh steaks, this conversation ensued:

Menachem Mendel: Where are you guys from? You look like you're from the Gush!!

Frumroadtrip: Well, they kicked us out of our homes, so we had to come here.

M: Seriously, what the hell are you guys doing in Postville?!

F: Just passing through. (lengthy explanation of purposes of the trip)

M: How'd you hear about this place?

F: Well, we're big meat fans.

M: Yeah, I can see.

So far, so good. Let's move in for the kill! A few minutes later:

F: So, do you know if they give tours of the plant?

M: Nah, they don't let guys in there anymore. What are you, Peta?

F: Hey, come on man. Look at us. Look what we're eating. Can you get us in there?

M: Heck yeah I could. If I wanted to. To bad for you, cause I don't!

F: Aww, come on. What'd we ever do to you? We just gave you our business. Plleeeeaaase...

M: I'll see what I can do...

This conversation ended up being dissapointing. After shopping at the guy's store for some Kosher supplies, and some much needed babka, we had a long game of Jewish geography with the Lubav and his father. Even after discovering literally dozens of connections, they were still unwilling or unable to help us out. They suggested that we go down to the plant and try our luck with security.

We tried sweettalking the secretary, Kathy I believe her name was, but she wasn't buying our sob story. She claimed that if we had tried calling in advance, there would have been no problems. Fat chance. Anyway, even though we were denied access, the trip was totally worth it, and we got to see lots of rural Iowa- far superior to rural Nebraska. Also, we figured that leaving the camera behind would increase our chances of getting through so the picture selection is a little slim here.

Nebraska: The Most Boring State in America

2005-08-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

Besides being the home of Arbor Day, Nebraska doesn't have much going for it. After searching the state far and wide, we came acrossthe one and only thing there is to do in Nebraska: visit Buffalo Bill's Ranch!!!!!

Yup, that's it. The ranch was pretty quiet and laid back, but would not have been notable if we didn't know that it was Buffalo Bill's. The main plus was that they had actual, live buffalo. Unfortunately, the buffaloes just kind of sat there, and didn't do much. Oh, well.

There are also cornfields. Lots of them.

Back at the dira headquarters

2005-08-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

While Mas and Shuey have been out having their fun on the road and having finally made it safely to their final destination of New Jersery, Mission Control has been hurriedly worked to make sure the dira headquarters is presentable for the return of Shuey (and for the arrival of our newest addition coming in September). Here are a few of the changes that were made while Mas and Shuey were churning butter and eating burgers (not at the same time of course).

Notice the light patterns coming onto the dining room table now situated near the balcony to allow for a nice breeze during our evening meals.

Additionally, Mas' old room has undergone some renovations as well...

Finally, to welcome home Shuey, we received a shipment of some goods I thought he might enjoy.

Welcome to the Garden State Mas and Shuey... have a good Shabbos!

The Chabad of Boulder Catwalk

2005-08-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

After rolling into Boulder with about 30 seconds till Shabbos, we made our way over to Chabad of Boulder County for Sabbath Services and a wholesome meal. However, the real fun started the next day, as the Morning Service turned into a wacky wild local fashion show, with local designers and models strutting their stuff all over the synagogue. The top three entries:

3. White Srugie clapping guy: All decked out with a long pony tail, tallis over his head, and beard, this guy RRReaally got into the davening. This cat checked in just in time to catch the end of krias shma, but was still able to get right into it. His clapping during the silent devotion ranged from somewhat rhythmic but still distracting to just really off. But hey, we're happy that he's a spiritual guy.

2. Vest man- This dude was the gabbai during Torah service, but left just before musaf. Classy. We think they flew him in just for the job. Big beard, slightly unconventional black hat (taken off before davening), a green shirt with a large floppy biege vest made him perfect for the mountain-jew role. The tzitzis and the bandanna around his neck really completed the ensemble.

And the winner is....

1. Arnie- Where do we start with this guy? A self-proclaimed street smart ex-new yorker, he was sporting a hawian shirt that almost covered his protruding stomach, but not quite. He also had on jean shorts, stylishly exposing his big, round, calves. A slightly folded up velvet kippa was perched precariously on his shock of silvery grey hair. He had an abnormally strong kesher with a young Israeli Lubav, who was only there for that Saturday. Arnie was nice enough to give us a ride when Shabbos was over.

Move over Versace, the Chabad of Boulder County is the fashion capital of the world!

Hoodoos and rood-e-oos, part II.

2005-08-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

These pictures go with this post.

To cross, the street from the rodeo, you had to use these things to alert the cars...

Gush!! Gush!! Gush Katif!!!

Also, they had a tacky Western town set up, with some fun places to take pictures...

Also, they had a 4,000 dollar stump...

Hoodoo you think you are? A french cowboy?!

2005-08-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

Of all the ridiculous places we've been on this roadtrip, Bryce Canyon National park might qualify as the most nuts so far. Combining stuh-ning landscapes and natural beauty with boatloads (we can only assume) of European tourists and classic tacky American tourist junk, Bryce Canyon is probably the most entertaining place around.

Bryce is most famous for its rock formations. They resemble towers cut out of rock, and create amazing views like the ones pictured below. The thing is, when coming up for a name for these beautiful and unique geological structures, the best name the Native Americans could come up with was, get this: Hoodoo. (insert pun here). There is some sort of geological explanation about how these came to be, something about rain and lightening and erosion. Anyway, they look pretty cool. We spent about a day either driving or hiking around looking at these majestic, breathtaking, well, hoodoos.

Hoodooes that?

While driving towards the National Park, we saw a bunch of cow pens and a stadium, with a sign that said: Rodeo Starts at 7:00 Pm. So obviously, we made our way over there tonight for the show. After paying our 8$ at the gate, we sat down and were then treated to one of the most ridiculous spectacles we have ever seen. Hosting the show were a redneck guy dressed as a clown on the field itself, and a deadpan redneck in a hat in the announcer booth. Their banter was especially entertaining as they realized that about half of the crowd had absolutely no idea what the heck they were saying, and only responded when the name of their country was mentioned.

The events included both youthful local cowboys as well as volunteers from the crowd. It started off with young kids picked from the crowd trying to hold on to bucking calfs. Most of the kids were French, so the clown guy counted unh dooh twa for them, and most of them lasted about 1.76 seconds before eating it face first in the dirt and getting stepped on. They also let all the kids come down from the bleachers and chase around three calves with ribbons tied to their tails. If they got the ribbons, prizes were awarded.

The locals were a little bit better at staying on their somewhat larger animals. They had names like Wyatt, Trent, Summer (she was riding with her dad), Gil Manning, and Shmuely (he had a black hat). Among the tricks they did for the ooohhing and ahhing continentals were riding crazy bulls, barrell racing, and lassoing steers on the head and the feet and trying to lift them off the ground. Crazy stuff. The clown dude also had some girl from the crowd shoot a shotgun at one of the cowboy-helper guys after signing her bullet. The bullet ended up right in the guys mouth. Pretty slick. Clown dude also borrowed some kid from the crowd's cowboy hat, and dynamited it. I'm not sure what the heck that was for. Anyway, here are some pictures, and we'll post sommo when we get internet access again
Frenchie about to eat it

This guy's name was Hayes. He was really really good at rodeo-ing. He's on the high school circuit.

Clown guy sitting in a barrell waiting to be creamed by oncoming bull.

Hoo-doo le hashem Ki Tov.

Ridiculous and beautiful things seen between Williams Arizona, and Bryce Canyon Utah

2005-08-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

Read this in a Pehr-sian accent...

The best in Utah shopping... Shuey got an autographed Bulgarian soccer jacket from the place on the bottom...

We took a wrong turn here...

And got to this neighborhood...

Surprisingly inhabited, by VERRRY Orthodox people...

Surely, these people deserve a Smicha. R'Aryeh??

Dinner

2005-08-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

So we stopped the car at a viewpoint on a ridge, planning on watching the sunset and cooking ourselves some dinner. Our original plan was to make pasta, but then we realized that we didn't have a large enough recepticle to put the pasta into for the purpose of cooking it. Then we decided on pancakes, at which point we realized had no matches (Shuey decided not to buy any when he went to the store because he only buys strike anywhere matches, and they didn't have them). Then we were going to make tuna, but we didn't have a can opener besides the dinky one on Shuey's pocket knife. This made for a ghetto job (pictures to come when we get internet access). Once the tuna was extracted, we decided to mix it with tomato sauce and eat it with Ritz crackers. Since we don't have a refrigerator for the sauce, we planned to make pasta later on in the evening, after we made camp. This episode will be discussed later, im yirtzeh Hashem, with pictures to boot.

UPDATE: The Pictures are in!!!

Overheard at the Grand Canyon

2005-08-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

This was said by a teenage girl in a hysterical, strong British accent. Possibly Manchester:

"Mum, we need to stop at a restroom. She keeps sticking pine needles down my bum!"
Good times.

UPDATE: Grand Canyon Pictures!!!!

Needles, Calizona

2005-08-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

We are calling in from a sprawling metropolis called Needles, which we are fairly sure is in California. It is bleepin' hot here, but this sure is an exciting place. Some of the locals were nice enough to give us about three dollars worth of free gas (she overpaid). Gas here runs from between $3.29 and $3.69 a gallon (we shopped around), and the place even has its own Carl's Jr.!! Surprisingly, this establishment does not have kashrut certification.

Anyway, here's a recap of our day so far:

9:55-12:15: packing up, loading the Subaru.
12:15-12:30: car wash, finishing up around the dira
12:30-1:15: tying large suitcase to the top of the Subaru in a very ingenious fashion
1:15-1:55: pick up Adam, leave him at PKD to order, dropping stuff off at Shuey's parents, finishing touches
1:55-2:40: Being behema gassa's at our first stop, the immortal PKD
2:40-3:30: Mitzvah Store (after all that we forgot the neigel vasser. crap)
3:30-9:00: Drive to Needles

We are about 300 miles from our 3rd stop. We will probably post this later because unfortunately there seems to be no wireless internet access anywhere in Needles. Mas is currently sitting on top of the car, while Shuey is doing jumping jacks trying to generate some signal, any signal. Anyway, it's really hot here so we are going to driving so the air conditioning can turn on. Till next time...

On like Grey Poupon

2005-08-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well folks, its the moment you've all been anticipating. Less than forty minutes until chatzot, and we're nearly done packing. Right now, Shuey is taking the automobile to the drive through carwash, and as soon as he gets back we'll finish loading everything and hit the road to our first stop...

Some of you may have been wondering exactly what the third_______ (insert your choice: roomate, LA boy, muskateer, wheel, partner in crime, other) will be doing while Shuey and I are roaming the nation's heartland. To answer this insightful query, allow me to introduce the newest character in the drama that is frumroadtrip: Mission Control. Mission Control is staying back at our dira headquarters/secret lair, and will be posting on days when we don't have internet access. He will also be helping us out with directions, general logistics, and ehow.com searches as the need arises. Mission Control, welcome to the team.

We have a nine hour drive scheduled for today. Check back tonight to see where we ended up....

Shabbos Roundup

2005-08-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first of a pair of super gala shabboses that we will be participating in before we leave on our trip. Here are some lessons we learned...

-a rotting duck carcass can really improve the ambience of a dira kitchen.
- having 10-15 leftover pieces of snitchel during the nine days is really frustrating for a variety of reasons.
-always go to the earliest mincha, to maximize sleeping time.
-a good thing to randomly say to your friend when walking by people you know on Shabbos afternoon: "I find it fascinating that the Yamomamo people of South America and the Sisala people of Ghana differ vastly, yet both are considered simple hortculturalists."

Ummm... Uhh... Ok fine..

So not that much happened over this shabbos.

But what was entertaining was The main topic of conversation at lunch . At the time, we didn't realize that the article was a fake. Some of our guests seemed to seriously think that forty midgets could in fact take the lion down. What follows is a point-counterpoint analysis. Midgets, please start us off*:

Point: The midgets outnumber the lion 42:1.

Counterpoint: The lion has teeth and claws, the midgets are unarmed.

Point: Midgets are known to be wily, dextrous, and hard-nosed.

Counterpoint: Lions are the kings of the jungle.

Point: The midgets are Cambodian.

Counterpoint: Lions eat midgets for breakfast.

Point: Lions suck.

Moderator: that was a low blow!
(crowd boos)

Counterpoint: Nice ad-hominem, but the fact is that lions lack the ability to suck- their lungs do not have the capacity to inhale.
Disclaimer: This is not an actual scientific fact!!! (see here for more on the animal kingdom.)

Point: These are trained midget fighters!!!! This is what they do for a living!!! Male lions don't even hunt for themselves.
(this may actually be true, i heard it somewhere)

Counterpoint: Midgets are short and puny.

So in conclusion, this one is tough to call. We're actually sitting here and arguing about it right now. But the midgets could probably hold their own. But please, feel free to disagree.

*We would like to apologize in advance if this offends any of our readers. But with all due respect to the little people, this is too good to not do. Sorry for the lack of sensitivity.

The Email

2005-08-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

This is an email that we sent out to our Yeshiva friends to tell them about the trip and the blog. We thought that it would only be fair to share with the rest of the world, so here it is...

Dearest bochrim,
It is with great pleasure and excitement that I announce that Mas and I will be going national!!!!! Now you will not only be able to find us in Los Angeles but also if you are lucky we will be coming to a city near you!!!!! Mas has recently been sent on shelichus and has been assigned the tough but very necessary task of spreading the refreshingly chilled out Los Angeles attitude to the greater New York area... ok...fine... just to Washington heights. We have realized that in order for Mas to do his job to the fullest (and to get his car and belongings across the country) he needs to see what America is all about (minus the shtus). As an experienced tour guide and trained ninja, I will be showing him how to live on the road, as well as how to survive for ten days using only a machete and a yo-yo. Mas and I wanted to share our adventures with the world so we have created a blog on which we will be posting updates as well as pictures as our trip unfolds. We have already started posting and documenting our preparations. the site is www.frumroadtrip.blogspot.com it starts at the bottom so you need to scroll all the way down to get to the first post. please check it all the time we will be updating it alot, and feel free to post comments!!!!!
We miss you all, and hope to see you all soon,
Shuey and Mas

The list

2005-08-03T01:13:00.000-07:00

with the aid of Hashem

Ok, here is a not-so-short list of all the things we are planning to bring with us so far:

Tent
Duct tape
Base ball bat (wood)
Tuna
Ritz crackers
Salami/beef jerkey (Jeff’s)
Cooler
Music
Gold Bond
Grappeling hooks
Kippas
Rope
Sfarim

Deodorant
m-16
hammer
screw driver
pliars
snap???
String
Flashlights
Stove
Pocket knife/fork
Cash
First aid
Kippa clips
Clothes
Keys
Camera, internet cords
Shesh besh
Lantern
Matches
Beer
Fake id
Pillows
Sleeping bags
Smoking jacket
Shoes
Assorted borderline Kfira
Inflatable gator
Maps
Compass
monacle
watch or clock (preferably w/ alarm)
Cell phone charger
Cash
Picture of r/ shlomo zalman ztk”l
Fake beard
Glasses w/nose, mustache (different color than beard!!)
Various hats
Dry ice
Peanut butter
The phone is ringing
Copy of latest matchbox 20 album
Dvds
Candles
Olive oil
Mayer-P
Lawn chair
Travel size avi (to insure random, entertaining events will occur)
Hoodies
Beans (canned)
Crock pot
Trash bags
Chain mail
Butterfly Knife
Tarp
The gra
Mini-Shas (or perhaps a shas-pod? Hmmmm…..)
Rav Yitzchak Cohen mussar on cd!!!!

But seriously, folks....

2005-08-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

with the help of hashem

This is how this thing is going to work. Since you are reading this, it is most likely that you already know us (and if not, that's cool. you'll catch on). So we'll make the introductions short, and to the point. Mas is transferring to YU, Shuey has an itch on his left arm. Hence the roadtrip.

We will not be disclosing our route or schedule in advance. You'll just have to stay on your toes. (although you are more than welcome to post guesses based on our soon to be released supply list). What we will tell you, is that we will be starting here and ending up here. The trip itself will be starting on Chatzot on the day after Tisha B'av and ending on the Friday before YU orientation. We will also be documenting the buildup and preparation for said roadtrip (some possible things to watch out for: Meat week 05', The Greater LA pizza championships (TM) and a really big Shabbos Lunch.)

If you're lucky, you may also get treated to a smattering of political commentary, philosophical rants, wannabe RJJ journal articles, and other random shtus. Hope you enjoy.

(also, please let us know if you think we will be arriving to a city near you!)

Why???

2005-08-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

with the help of hashem

Why hit the open road?
Why waste hundreds of dollars paying for gas?
Why leave the comfort of a beautiful Los Angeles Dira?
Why subject ourselves to days on end of Ritz Crackers and Tuna?
Why is Tony Danza getting his own talk show?
Was Pavlov teaching the dogs to salivate to the sound of the bell, or were they salivating to the food itself (very brisk!!)?
What's the deal with road trips?
If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound?
Is the heter to do a bris milah on shabbos a hutrah or a dechuyah?

The answers to all of these questions, and more, as this blog unfolds...

testing...

2005-08-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

testing testing 1...2....3